Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Day 70 – One Kale of a Ride!

I just thought that was a nice title.  Breakfast was steel-cut-oats which I added almond milk, a tablespoon of cacao and stevia (about 6 or 7 drops).  Last night was so rough (I didn’t end up getting to bed until after 1:30am) because I had to go get my in-laws at the airport and their plane ended up being late so I ended up laying down for a bit this morning.  Lunch was leftover lentil beans and salad—dinner was almond flour, lemon pancakes.

It’s easy to look at the best of every day and focus on those moments as I write, and I know this is the way I will improve the very most—positive thinking is said to invoke the powers of healing.  You hear it all the time, the more positive you are the better your chances are at succeeding; but, that idea also leaves out the frustrations that come along and when you have other people reading the blog it would be easy for them to think that all is going much better than it really is and may get discouraged when things don’t go the same way for them.

70 days into this cleanse—I use the term cleanse lightly because technically we are done with the cleanse we are just working on figuring out where we are now.  No doubt I feel better now than I did when I started this cleanse but I also have no doubt that I am not doing as well as I thought I would be at this point and quite frankly in the past 5 days or so I have been READY TO GIVE UP!

My wife and I have done searching online (something that is bound to get us into more trouble than it’s worth) and we come across one experience after another where the individual working to clear candida is at it for 3 months, 4 months, one year, 2 years, etc.  Those, however, are not the most frustrating pieces of information we find out there—more than one person has said that when they got a couple of months into the program they just couldn’t do it anymore and had to quit.

Early on in the process I didn’t understand how they could quit if they were feeling as good as I was feeling (I assumed everybody felt as good as me during the first month of the cleanse).  Well… after 70 days of this program I understand what they meant about almost ready to quit.  I’ve mentioned a little of how it felt during my posts over the last couple of days but I didn’t really get into the scope of what I was feeling during that time.

I talk about it now because I think I have just about worked through the slump and am ready to continue this journey, but trust me when I tell you that my wife and I were both almost done!  During the week I stared to have the bad days before my wife (a lot of the my anxiety seemed to be returning, the progress in my ears seemed to be disappearing and much of the exhaustion returned (much to my dismay and frustration).  Well during the first day or two of this my wife was my rock—telling me that it would be fine helping me work through the tough feelings.

I honestly felt like I could cry and wanted to cry.  I had done what I promised myself I would do (and more importantly what I promised God I would do) to try to get better.  I lived the promise to a T, better than any other promise I’ve made in my life, and right after the actual program was finished I not only stopped getting better but seemed to be doing much much worse.  I could not figure out why I would work so hard to have the relief I’ve sought for so long just to have all my symptoms return and be back at square one.  It wasn’t worth-it to me, it wasn’t something I wanted to put myself or my family through.  The whole point of this cleanse was to feel better and be better so that I can better support my family, and I didn’t seem to be able to do that.

The next few days were more difficult—not the symptoms necessarily but the self reflection of where I had been and where I was going.  How would I continue and why would I continue.  I ran and ran so hard last Saturday and seemed to be getting better, but my self pitty was still strong and I was really ready to quit.  My wife was my rock and kept giving me the encouragement I needed.

Well… Sunday morning was just about the breaking point for both of us.  As we were hurrying out the door my wife went to print some papers off the printer and it didn’t work (one of the jets must have gone out on it and the pictures were coming out with a green hue to them).  It was only a few days ago that my 8 year old accidently knocked it off the stand it was on and it crash just about 8 inches or 1 foot to the floor.  My wife needed this thing printed and unbeknownst to me was feeling very stressed out that morning and started to get after my 8 year old.

This isn’t something my wife or I have ever really been big fans of, things break all the time and it may or may not have been something my 8 year old did but the printer was about 5 years old anyway and was probably on the way out to start with.  However, this didn’t stop him from getting a little mouth full which then caused me to give my wife a little mouth full.  We are not yellers but we were coming as close as we have that morning and was really at everybody’s throats (again in our own little ways).

As we got to the church my wife said something (I can’t remember exactly what it was now) but as I got out of my door I said very loudly that I was just ready to go get a huge hamburger with lots of bacon and just be DONE WITH THE WHOLE DIET!  As I walked around the van to open my wife’s door every bit of my spirituality seemed to leave my body and I felt empty.  I opened the door and said to my wife that I didn’t even feel like going to church today.  I’m not sure if our sons heard this part of the conversation but they may have and I feel real bad about it now, but it was what it was at the time.

She agreed that she didn’t want to go and we almost left right there—ready to sulk in our own pitty parties.  Well… it only took about 30 seconds to one minute before coming to our senses and heading into the church.  It ended up being good that we did go in because our frustration quickly melted away and we heard the things we had to hear at that time.  A couple from our congregation spoke to us and the wife told how they had just found out toward the end of last year that her husband had cancer and had seemed to stop responding to treatment and then was given just 4 months from Christmas time to live.

As they talked about this she told how instead of talking about his problems or himself he gathered his whits and told her that he needed to show her how to change the filters in the furnace and show her where the water-shut-off valves were and how his only concern was for her and how she would be doing after he was gone—the whole experience was enough to bring tears to anybody’s eyes and definitely put our paltry little problems in perspective.  How dare we be so pompous and vain as to think our problems are anything.

Well… after church we apologized to each other and then had a great day.  I tell this story for two reasons; first, to say that any problems you think you have they don’t compare to some problems that others deal with on a daily basis and; second, this morning was a time when my wife and I had both lost our cools and we were both very very weak and it almost wrecked our whole progress.

Then the very next day my wife had the worst day she had had in a long time and I was the stronger one.  As she talked to me about her frustrations and as she told me about a blow-up that happened toward one of her teacher friends at school (something she doesn’t do) I had to laugh a little bit inside because I knew how she felt and I knew that it would likely pass as mine was.  But it also taught me something else… I felt like I knew the reason why all those people had quit trying to follow a candida cleanse.  We both had first hand experience at what we would like to call the candida 2-month slump—and ours was a doozy.

Our expectations were set and not met at 60 days and then I think there was an adjustment coming off the program.  First, we are not keeping up on all the herbs we had been taking (it would be far too expensive to continue at that degree), and second, we were dealing with the reality that all our symptoms weren’t gone and we are now facing the very real possibility of this lifestyle creeping into at least 6 months and maybe longer… YIKES, why are we doing this, what are we thinking, is it even worth it?

As I’ve thought about this I’ve realized that it doesn’t matter how many blogs we read out there or even what others say will work for us because it worked for them.  The truth is we don’t know what will work for us and it may not be anything that worked for anybody else.  I tried the sinus flush last week to try to help with my sinuses and felt like it may have been doing something, but then had a HUGE step-back which correlated to the exact timing of the flush so I stopped, but it didn’t feel like it had been working.

That’s what made us decide to have the dinner we had tonight.  There has been a lot of talk about pure maple syrup being no better than sugar, but as we thought about the amount we’ve had during the cleansing process we realize that our bodies were still progressing during those times we were eating the most maple syrup.  So… we decided to have pancakes with pure maple syrup.  I’ve also decided that it does seem like carrots don’t agree with me so that’s something we’re staying away from as well.

The bottom line is the last 4-5 days or so have SUCKED and have made me (and my wife) feel like all this is not worth-it.  But as we pushed through the frustration, using every ounce of will power we have not to cheat, things seem to be getting better once again so our candida cleanse journey continues.  As things work for us we will continue them as they don’t we wont but we will continue this crazy journey… at least a little longer…?

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